Moments
by kellyyouse
Summary: Mulder struggles to reveal his feelings to Scully about everything that's happened regarding her cancer. Memento Mori followup.


**Disclaimer:** X-Files and its characters are owned by 20th Century Fox and Chris Carter. I just borrowed them for a few hours :)

**Author's Note:** I wrote this story and my other _X-Files_ fanfic a number of years ago and thought it time to upload to this community.

**Moments**

He watched her haggard form make its way down the hall, still feeling her warmth permeate through his body from holding her. He fingered the vial he'd taken from the clinic, then pulled it out of his pocket to look at it, to look at her inside it. He didn't tell her. He couldn't tell her. All he wanted at that point was to keep holding her, but he knew that wasn't possible. He couldn't hold her forever. Standing there, in that darkened hospital and staring at her tired yet beautiful face he knew that no matter how long she survived, he couldn't have her forever. But he would do his damnest to make sure he had her for as long as possible.

**X X X**

She came back to work a few days later. He looked away from the file he'd been reading and slid his glasses partway down his nose squinting over the rims to watch her. Like every morning, she slipped in their cluttered office and peeled her overcoat off, already unbuttoned, looking like her usual self: navy business suit, tastefully done makeup, and bright red hair just as he'd always known her. He suspected he'd know her anywhere, he thought, smiling.

"Why are you staring at me?" She reached her hand to her face. "Is my nose--"

"No," he explained, not wanting to worry her. "I'm sorry--I was just thinking." He pushed his glasses back on and gazed at the papers on his desk, but couldn't resist glancing at her now and then. At the fifteenth time, her eyes caught his, and he knew he was in trouble.

"Mulder, will you stop?" She smiled at him.

"I can't help it," he said, taking his glasses off. Her smile helped him know she wasn't upset with him for his staring, so he smiled back. "When I'm in the presence of something beautiful, I have to stare."

"Funny, Mulder." She leaned over his desk and picked up a few of the papers from his file and read over them.

He loved how they so easily lightened up the situation, something four years of working together did, even if he really meant what he said about her being beautiful. Of course, there had been other reasons for his staring. He'd vowed that morning when he woke up to tell her about the vial and to tell her about how afraid he was about everything that had happened and everything they'd discovered, but he couldn't do it. Not now. Not when his stomach was twisting into such nervous, hot knots that the mere sound of her name on his lips might cause him to melt. He'd have to wait, but not for long. He didn't want her to find out any other way except from him.

**X X X**

They worked the rest of the day in mutual silence, Scully periodically going to the forensics lab to tie up loose ends on recent cases and Mulder sulking at his desk until he offered to drive her home. He would tell her everything then, he convinced himself. She might not be able to handle it. At least, if he took her home, they'd be away from the office, from unwanted ears, and she'd have the security of her own home to lean on.

He helped her with her coat and led her through the winding hallways and exits to the outside parking lot and into his car. The ride ended up taking a shorter time than he expected; whether that was good or not, he couldn't decide, but no matter what, this would be the moment he'd tell her. This was her life, after all, and she should know.

He kept quiet and walked her to her door, fiddling with the car keys in his pocket. "Well," he said, clearing his throat, "here we are."

"Thanks, Mulder." She smiled at him and set her hand on the doorknob.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow, if you want," he blurted.

She laughed, unlocking her door. "You'll have to since my car's at the Bureau lot."

"Oops." He forced a giggle and pursed his lips together. No wonder she made such a fuss about his bringing her home.

"Good night, Mulder."

"'Night." He watched her open the door and step inside, but as she closed it, he grabbed her shoulder. "Wait."

Her eyes widened in concern. "What is it?"

"It's just. . ." He bit his lower lip and shifted back and forth on his feet. "I'll come for you at 8 tomorrow."

"Okay." She smiled and closed the door.

He stood outside her door staring at it, as if through some miracle he might be able to transfer him through it and say what he'd intended to say before turning into a gutless ass. Running his hand through his hair, he cursed himself then threw his arm back down to his side before jerking his body around to go back to the car. "Gutless bastard," he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut and throwing his hand to his face.

"Mulder?"

He threw his head around and saw her standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry," he tried, but his voice caught in his throat. He wanted to go to her, but his legs froze and wouldn't let him. "I'm so sorry," he managed in between breaths. In a moment he felt her arms close around him and his head fell to her shoulder. He hadn't even noticed her move, but he didn't care. He wrapped his arms around her as tight as he could; this time, he swore he wouldn't let go.

"It's okay," her voice whispered in his ear.

"I don't want to lose you." The words, cried against her neck, were barely audible.

"You won't."

"Don't ever leave me." He felt her soft hands caress his back and he choked out the words. "I love you too much."

"I already know, Mulder."

END


End file.
